​​Coping With Someone Who Lies All the Time (2024)

Have you ever had the feeling that someone you’re talking to is not telling the truth? Or that what they’re saying doesn’t match up with the facts? Over time, have you caught this person in multiple lies, some small, and others big? If so, you may wonder if the person could be a pathological liar.

With insights from a psychologist, this article will go over what pathological lying is, how it compares to other kinds of lying, and what to do if you’re dealing with a pathological liar.

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What Is Pathological Lying?

Most people tell the occasional fib, but some people lie more often and even do so unconsciously, saysAimee Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist.

While a pathological liar is not a mental health diagnosis on its own, according to theDiagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition(DSM-5), it can be a feature of mental health conditions.

While it’s not clear what causes compulsive lying, we know that lying is a complex process in the brain. And we know that pathological lying differs from other types of lying because it’s problematic.

Pathological Lying vs. Other Types of Lying

Most people would be lying if they said they had never told a lie, but atwhat pointdoes lying become pathological? Here are the differences between telling the occasional lie,lying compulsively, and lying pathologically.

Non-Pathological Lying (Normal or Natural Lying)

It’s natural for people to make the conscious choice to lie occasionally—either for their own or for someone else’s benefit.

For example, you may decide to lie to:

• Be kind or spare someone else from getting their feelings hurt by the truth (e.g., your coworker makes you banana bread for your birthday, and you tell them it’s delicious even though the recipe used walnuts, which you hate, but you don’t want them to feel bad since they were just trying to be nice).
• Avoid getting in trouble (e.g., you accidentally break an expensive vase and blame the cat).
• Finesse a social situation (e.g., you’re at a party and want to go home, so you tell the host you have to be up early in the morning for work even though you don’t really).
• Prevent yourself from looking incompetent (e.g., you couldn’t finish a report on time and tell your boss that the computer didn’t save your work).

These “normal” or “white lies” are small fibs that are generally harmless and meant to avoid harm rather than intentionally deceiving or causing hurt.

That said, most people have othercoping skills to help them through life situations and don’t rely on lying to navigate their daily responsibilities and relationships.

Compulsive or Pathological Lying

Compulsive lyingis often used interchangeably with pathological lying, and some experts don’t make a clear distinction between the two. Some experts don’t use the term “compulsive” lying at all. Others find that there can be a little more nuance on the spectrum of lying behavior that using the terms “compulsive” or “pathological” differently can help explain.

While there is a lack of agreement about whether the two terms are separate, they both refer to problematic lying that is out of control. A person who tells lies without thinking —almost like a reflex— is lying compulsively. The lying may not have a specific intent behind it, such as trying to get something or avoid a consequence.

Lying Compulsively

Since their default response is to lie, telling the truth may feel uncomfortable to a person who compulsively lies.

Compulsive liars may have started lying in childhood to cope or protect themselves. They may have lied about so much and for so long that it has become a habit they can’t stop. Some lies may have elements of truth, like certain people, places, or details that are accurate.

The things compulsive liars lie about can vary. For example, they may lie about what they did over the weekend when a coworker asks, even though they have no reason not to be truthful.

While you might assume that someone who lies compulsively always tells lies that make them look good, that’s not always the case. When lying is an automatic reaction to a situation, a person may end up telling a lie that casts them in a negative light.

Some people who are compulsively lying are very aware of the behavior and are distressed by it, particularly as the lies start to add up, and it becomes difficult to keep track of the “web” of lies they’ve told. They may want to stop lying but feel like they can’t because it’s out of their control.

If a person is receptive to treatment, strategies like talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may be able to help them learn why they lie and start working on changing their behavior. For example, they may identify certain emotions and settings (like low self-esteem at work) that trigger them to lie.

Lying Pathologically

Some providers have suggested that pathological lying is different from other types of lying because it’s excessive (a person tells multiple lies a day) and has gone on for at least six months).

Like other problematic lying, pathological lying can be unconscious and without any obvious gain. However, it can also be intended to manipulateothers. For example, a person who lies pathologically may tell lies to establish status in their social groups instead of honestly and genuinely working on building up their reputation.

‌Another example could be far more detailed and complex: a pathological liar may completely make up their “backstory” and lie about where they grew up, what their parents did for work, and where they went to school. They may even claim to be related to an important historical figure or celebrity.

Even though pathological lying is not a diagnosis on its own, it can be a characteristic of people with certain mental health conditions, like antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, as well as those with psychopathic traits.

Lying can also be associated with other mental health conditions, but to a lesser extent—for example, a person with OCD may lie about their compulsions, or someone with an eating disorder may lie about having had a meal.

That said, not all pathological liars would meet the diagnostic criteria for one of those mental health disorders, and lying on its own is not enough to make a diagnosis.

Consequences of Compulsive Lying

No matter what caused a person to become a compulsive liar, someone who pathologically lies will eventually have to face the consequences of the behavior in their life and relationships. However, a pathological liar will continue to lie despite these negative effects.

If you call out a pathological liar, chances are they’ll deny the lie. If you present them with any kind of evidence to show that a lie “doesn’t add up,” they’ll likely come up with even more lies to explain or cover up the first lie.

While some people who lie will feel remorse and even guilt and shame when caught, pathological liars may not feel bad about it or have any inclination to stop.

Mental Health Effectsof Dealing with Pathological Liars

Daramus says that when you're dealing with someone who lies all the time, you'll always be in a state of uncertainty when you’re around them. The uncertainty becomes exhausting and stressful because you’re constantly checking whether the person’s words match their actions.

Being lied to can feel a lot likegaslighting, says Daramus, the difference is that someone who's gaslighting you has a strategy. While the actions of a pathological liar may be clearly intentional at times, they can be seemingly random at others. Some people who lie all the time are not even aware that they’re doing it and may not recognize the effects it's having on their relationships.

Dealing with someone who is lying to you can also make you frustrated, angry, or hurt. It can be difficult to trust them and build a relationship with them.

How to Cope with a Pathological Liar

If someone in your life is a compulsive liar, know that it’s not your job to fix them. Remember that some people who are pathological liars are dealing with underlying mental health conditions that need professional treatment.

You can encourage them to seekmental health treatment and offer support. Model honesty and openness in your conversations and come from a nonjudgmental place.

If you plan to confront someone about their lying, be aware that they may deny it or respond with more lies. A pathological liar may even become hostile when confronted. Make it clear that you don’t want to interact with them if they’re not going to be honest with you.

Here are some strategies Daramus says can help you cope with a person in your life who lies pathologically:

• Pay attention to their actions instead of their words:Since it can be hard to trust the words of a person who lies pathologically, “one of the most effective things you can do is read the person’s actions. Actions don't lie, and over time you'll spot patterns that will help you predict their future behavior,” says Daramus.
• Set boundaries:If your loved one is in a pattern of lying, you need to be clear that you see it and you won’t tolerate it. “It's important to setboundariesin your relationship with the person to protect yourself. If they don’t have a lot of insight or willingness to change, you might have to set boundaries with yourself about how much you'll give to that relationship,” says Daramus.
• Know when to leave the relationship:If you are unable to cope with the person’s lies or their reaction to being confronted makes you feel unsafe, you may need to end your relationshipwith them. “However, this may not always be easy to do, if the person is a family member or coworker, for instance,” says Daramus.

Summary

Everyone lies occasionally, but excessive, problematic lying can cause serious distress for people and the others around them. If someone you care about lies constantly, you may feel like you can’t keep up with all their lies and frustrated that they won’t be truthful with you. A compulsive or pathological liar needs help from a mental health professional to recognize their behavior and address any underlying conditions that the lying could be a symptom of.

Since being around a pathological liar can be exhausting, you may need to put up boundaries with them and make it clear that you won’t interact with them if they’re not being truthful, but you will support them in getting help.